To my grandmothers

Christmas 2007, Vienna, Austria

Exactly 2007 25 December,
For some reasons I was looking back all the pictures in search of my two grandmothers pictures. They passed away this year. One is 69 and another is 72 and one day. This is an awful experience for me to settle my mind. I just tempt to forget it but obviously never succeed, I am thinking of them and I don’t know how I can think of myself regards of my behavior towards them. I don’t know how I should make any remarks to their death. It is pretty sad. I don’t want them to die even though I have little connection with them. They are still in a livable ages. They should have live longer or at least they should wait until I come back. I feel guilty. I feel sad. I feel sorry for them and myself.
I now understand how fast we live in this world. I am loosing the people that I related with. They were just gone and never come back to this human world or do they? That’s beyond my reach. I am now practically understanding nothing I can take it for granted. Things can happen any moment of the day. I have not prepared the death of my grandmothers in this way, in this time.
Today, I found myself as a lost person. I never feel such an emptiness and useless person. I feel like I am definitely in the wrong setting.